A Love Letter To My Twenties
PC: Florré
Sometimes I forget what a life I’ve already lived. 365 days, 29 times – that’s a lot of memories, adventures, heartbreak, and love. And they’re all in here *taps noggin*, ready to be accessed on a rainy day. I wonder why, then, don’t I ever sit in silence and recall my two months in Bali? Remember how excited I felt on the plane ride to Barcelona? All the heartfelt messages I received from my on again, off again boyfriend? That 4AM journaling session, sitting alone on Waikiki beach and listening to Jhene Aiko? I look back at all these moments now and I’m in awe. Wow, I really lived my twenties up.
In a flash of a moment my 30s will arrive, and before they creep on me, I wanted to take a moment to write a love letter to my 20s – the 20s I worked so hard to fill with travel, friendship, and learnings. For reasons unbeknownst to myself, there was always a dark flame in the depth of my soul that warned me of an early ending (not from my own doing, but from a car crash, terrible illness, etc). I feared that I only had a short amount of time to enjoy life, and that when the time came (however early) I would be able to say “it’s okay, I already lived.” So I studied a year in London at 20. I moved to Paris for two months at 23, just to go back again for another month at 26. My best friend and I brewed up a storm in Lisbon for a few weeks. I took a year off and traveled the world by myself. I made friendships so deep they would forever alter my brain chemistry. I was fiercely loved, and I loved back just as hard. I bought plants for my dream apartment. I found the best kind of love in my dog. I made it to NYFW and I still call my parents to gush about random occurrences. Dear 20s, お疲れ様。Dear 20s, ありがとう。
In the last decade I built the kind of Bianca I can love. She is my friend, and we go through life together holding hands. That Bianca was somehow always kind to herself. She knew time was scarce and none of it would be wasted being mean. In that decade, there was never a moment she was concerned about how people perceived her. No, she was always just planning how to have a grand time and become the best version of herself..
The 30s are approaching, and that flame has died down slightly. I guess a part of it lies in the fact that I never thought I’d make it past this stage. I look around and see all these jobs, incomes, and lifestyles I don’t have. And it gets to me, sometimes, if I’m being truthful with myself. Little negative occurrences have the ability to eat me alive and change my entire personality. That’s not who I am. That’s not who I worked so hard to become, the girl I want to be friends with.
But isn’t that silly? To be upset about a job? About money? Things that change so easily? I have in my posession something no amount of studying or working could ever attain, like two parents I’m obsessed with and a sister with a heart of gold. I’m tri-cultural with Tokyo, New York, and Vienna at my fingertips. I actually found two soulmates – my best friend and my partner – and they pour so much love into me I honestly am satisfied if that’s all I’ll ever have in life. My favorite songs are like a reliable clutch, saving me over and over again. And all of these things I somehow, beautifully, managed to nurture through my 20s.
だからビアンカ、ありがとう。世界を見せてくれてありがとう。話聞いてくれてありがとう。勉強してくれてありがとう。ビビに優しくしてくれてありがとう。それと神様、いつもニコニコ笑いながら人生見守ってくれてありがとう。あなたの愛がとてもあたたかく感じます。
What a shame it would be, if I went into my 30s having forgotten the gold I spun in my 20s. I’m certain new lessons will occur, but I don’t want to face them with no Bianca. So this is a reminder to myself that, should I ever be under a cloud, I have a plethora of beautiful memories to lean on. It’s okay, everything is always going to be okay, because I got me.
