On Being Home Everywhere and Nowhere AT THE SAME TIME
PC: @biancabiancak
The other day I was sitting amongst coworkers, talking about vacation days when one said to me: “it’s so interesting talking to Bianca because she’s always kind of like, whatever about work”. This was in response to me saying I need two weeks to go home to Japan. I was left speechless. One, because I know I’m way ahead in my work and have my work piled up for my editors who haven’t gotten around to touching it yet. And the other because it showed how much American culture ties itself to work. But the third most frustrating point was: you don’t get it. I’m not from here in the same way you are. I need to go home.
The older I get, the more I realize what a lucky life I have, and it’s all thanks to my parents. I won the lottery — I have two parents from two completely different cultures, and they made every effort to make sure I belong in both of them, while tacking on America to the mix cause why not. And while that (annoyingly) meant every language school imaginable while young — German school Monday through Friday and Japanese school on Saturdays, and of course summer schools in different countries, before switching to an American school (can’t even fit it in one sentence without it becoming a run-on sentence)— as an adult it means the privilege of speaking three languages fluently and having access to three different continents — a priceless gift. I’m eternally grateful for having spent those summers and winters in either Austria or Japan. I love being able to answer “well I was born in Singapore, raised in New York, but I am Japanese and Austrian, I didn’t learn English until I was 11, yadi yadi” when someone asks me where I’m from.
“Oh so where do your parents live now?”
“Hawaii”
“Kay.”
That’s my usual conversation with newcomers. It takes a whole paragraph to explain my background, why I have a mild accent, where “home” is*. I wouldn’t have it any other way — I love all three of my cultures and I feel incredibly lucky to have access to them all.
That all being said, god I am sad.
I am sad that no matter where I go, I never feel whole. There are pieces of me missing no matter where I am. I don’t feel at home, ever. The desire to get out and go “back” is always present in my heart. And it’s a feeling I can’t seem to share with anyone, because even if I go back to Japan and am surrounded by likeminded people, there is still a piece of Austria then missing in me that others can’t relate to. Being at work and explaining I need time off to go home to Japan, and go home to Austria, and visit my parents in Hawaii is difficult enough, but then how do I say okay I need vacation on top of all of that just to explore like the rest of ya’ll do? I just get looked at as this spoiled girl who doesn’t take work seriously and always wants to travel — much like my coworker alluded to.
Don’t get me wrong, I would choose this life over any other without a doubt. The world is completely open to me, I can go anywhere I want without so much as a visa. But there’s a flipside to the coin that says you will never relate to anyone. You are alone in this. You will never be home anywhere. You will never feel settled. And although I have met other girls who are halfies like me — half Austrian (or German) and Japanese, none of them ever speak all three languages or have been exposed to their cultures like I have (then tack on whether or not your personalities even click). Maybe they always stayed in either Austria or Japan, and don’t have access to New York culture. Most of their parents tried to de-complicate their lives and kept them in one place with one language. Not my nomad-of-a-mom-and-dad.
So if you see me jet-setting from one place to another, don’t be confused. Don’t think of me in any which way. I am just trying to satisfy a need in me as best as I can. Remember that right now, my sister and I are all that I have left in NY, the state I spent most of life with (and she’s talking about leaving too). My parents moved once again. My relatives are all in either Japan or Austria. My best friend lives by Mt. Fuji and my cousins live in the Alps. I am home here, there, and nowhere, so let me go and be everywhere at once as best as I can, please.
*(“Are you going home for the holidays?” is always a fun one to answer. You mean to my parents in Hawaii? That’s not home, home is NY, but like so is Austria, and Japan…but my immediate family is in no one place particular)
