Things I Learned About Being in a Relationship, Going Into My 30s.
PC: Pinterest
Oh man, this relationship thing is a journey. It is a dance. It is a learning experieeenncceee. But the best kind! You know? I think, finding the person you’re going to experience life with is kind of a massive deal. My dad always said there are three big things that will greatly affect the quality of life, and those are: where you live, what job you have, and who you spend your life with. You know how I feel about living in New York City. My job? Pretty great but am looking forward to improving it. And my partner? I feel incredibly lucky to be with him.
My boyfriend and I started dating ten years ago (I know… crazy). We weren’t together consistently through those years—we lived in different countries and I wasn’t about to trap a man in his twenties in a long distance relationship, so I often fled. But somehow, through all the time zones and turbulence, we made it work. Now we are here, semi-freshly officially together again and (hopefully) for good. But we are ten years older than when we met. Our personalities have changed, our interests differ, and our awareness of things is much wider. I’ve been learning so much about what it takes to be in a long lasting, healthy relationship and I’m trying to absorb it like a sponge. And in doing so, writing it out felt like an appropriate way for me to digest these learnings, so here we go:
1. You Aren’t Always Right
WASDKJNSLGJNLSRIGNDJ Dafuq? I know. It is SHOCKING. I’m a fire sign and I’ll wave my finger in your face, raise my voice, and confidently tell you exactly what I think. But that’s not healthy, is it? Even if you are right, there are times you have to hold your tongue and take into consideration why your partner thinks/feels/acts the way he/she does. I learned that if I want to be seen and heard, I have to first create a space for that to happen. The goal here is not to win and for him to lose, it’s for both of us to see eye to eye and hug it out. That means I need to listen and figure out what it is this person is saying. Sometimes I’m right, sometimes he’s right, and the challenge is being humble enough to hold a conversation respectfully and not let the ego get in the way.
2. Freedom and Trust Is Key
I can be needy, I can be insecure. Which is crazy because I swear, when I’m single I’m the most confident and independent woman — even being in a room with Beyonce wouldn’t faze me. Things change when a loved one is involved. Being in a relationship brought some foreign thoughts to my brain (who is he texting? Who was at that party?) I never used to have these thoughts, but suddenly, there they were, despite the loyalty he has shown me over the years and the borders. But here’s the switch up I made in my mind: If he does do something wrong, that’s on him. That’s (I’m) his loss. It’s not a reflection on me but on him. My role in this relationship (and tbh, for me) is to be the best person I can be, and that’s where my focus needs to be. I need to create a space so peaceful and filled with love that he wants to return to it over and over again. He can choose whether he wants to be in it or screw it up, but if the latter happens, it wouldn’t be a reflection on me.
3. Learning How to Accept Love
I have this fiercely independent part of me that doesn’t want to lean on anyone. I mustn’t rest my head on anyone’s shoulder, says the voice in my head. “The only reliable love and support comes from you,” it continues. Shut. Up.
To a degree it’s true: you and only you will be with you forever and always. But we are human beings and not meant to go through life alone. Not only is it okay to accept help and love, but it makes your partner feel fulfilled and good to be your hero. The last few weeks have been a little turbulent for me. I was meant to rent a car and drive three hours north to where he lives. But I got sick and hurt my back, making me have to push the trip back for an indefinite amount of time. Rather than risk having to spend a long time apart, he took a train down to where I am, packed up my things, got the rental car for me, and drove both of us back to his place. Then I spent a day feeling insecure about something while he was at his lab (I was on my period) and he announced he will be coming home to me. I protested, saying I don’t want to be the girl to disrupt his work day and we can talk about it later. I did not want to look like the complicated girlfriend around his colleagues. His response? “I’m the boy disrupting my own work day so I can be with my girl”. He proceeded to get me a little treat at my favorite coffee shop and hugged me until I felt better.
4. Your Relationship Isn’t Everything
For god’s sake think about something else. I know, especially as women, we get swept up in the romance and that’s all we can think about through the day. On one hand, I’m amazed that even after ten years I’m swinging my legs like a child, giddy about my partner. On the other, I’m reminding myself that this isn’t everything. It’s a big and beautiful part of life, but please stick to your hobbies. Hang out with your friends, paint something, work on your passion projects, listen to your music, journal, and have your own hobbies. Do not abandon yourself for your relationship, because god forbid if something goes wrong, you’ll be left with nothing. And to be honest, it’s not an attractive look if all you care about is your relationship! Have your separate friends, your separate joys, your time apart, so that when you do spend time together, it can feel fresh and fruitful.
5. Do Nice Things… Focus on Nice Things
Even if nine out of ten things in my life are great, my brain has the tendency to focus on the one that is not. No, not focus, obsess — to the point it drives me crazy. I think it’s a common human flaw to take for granted the good and attempt to fix the bad. I’m trying more and more to make a conscious effort to shift my focus onto the good. My partner cooks and cleans. He listens to all my wailing. He comforts me. He brings me on adventures. Let us remember to verbalize how much we appreciate our partners for all the good they do, and not nag them because maybe one time they didn’t pay you enough attention (I’m a working progress). Taking it for granted will only hurt the both of you. Oh and of course, return all the love they give. Make their lives easier, do nice things for them, cut up an apple, give them a massage!
